The Pedestal – To Be Placed Upon A Throne or Be Dethroned?

From the time we are little girls we imagine the fantasy relationship every storybook has depicted.  Our knight in shining armor will round the corner, our eyes will meet and we will know we have found “the one.”  Immediately, we fall in love, get married, have children…and the rest is history.  

But do grown women really want the fairytale? 

Let’s just say that we actually do meet this so-called ‘Prince Charming’, who thinks that we are the most amazing woman he has ever met.  Everything we do is ‘perfect’ to him.  Every bat of the eyelash, pick of the nose and sass-mouthed comment is met with a smile and a kiss on the check.  Truly, every idiosyncrasy is adored and we can do no wrong to convince him otherwise. 

We become the woman on a pedestal.  Even the most vicious villain could not bring us down from the clouds he has placed us upon.  When a bad day enters the arena, Prince Charming just raises his sword and tries to find the easiest resolution to bring that smile onto your fair face.  He offers to buy you ice cream, take you to dinner at your favorite restaurant, or to that island you have been dying to visit for the last few months…anything for his queen.

This sounds perfect right?

In the ‘real world’, we are all Looney Tunes, trying to find other characters that appreciate our flaws and help us utilize the tools we have been given to the  best of our abilities.  When someone thinks we are perfect and tries to put a band aid over every bruise, covering up the issues, it doesn’t work.  And yes, as women, there are times that each of us cause our own bad days.  Sad, but an inherent truth.  Maybe we did something incorrectly at work, resulting in the scene from Office Space where every boss above us has to remind us that we improperly filled out the TPS report.  Either way, we have to take accountability for our own actions and errors.

And then, as usual, Prince Charming comes around to save the day.  He thinks that we are flawless and could never have faulted to justify this behavior.  The result is an inevitable course of action.  We will start creating our own obvious faults…subconsciously, of course.  We may moan at him for going out for ‘guys night’ and not calling 14 times, even though he called twice like he usually does.  On a side note:  Don’t call when  either of you is out on girls’ or guys’ night, have fun…see each other at the end of the night for some frisky business in bed…you will appreciate the other WAY more!.  Or, perhaps you tried the previously mentioned, less jarring route, and it didn’t work.  So, you decide to escalate it to the next level and accidentally make out with another guy. 

At this point, he could even get upset.

But, since you are on your pedestal, you know that you have the ability to make him see ‘your point of view.’  As you quickly come up with ‘why’ you did this, he begins to believe you and accept it as his own fault.  You say that it was because you were insecure the last time he went out and you saw glitter on him…when you know darn well, the last time he was at a strip club was for his 21^st birthday.  You continue to illustrate how you felt like he was ‘pulling away’ from the relationship…that you did this because you needed to see HIS reaction and that if HE got upset, it really meant HE loved you.  Ahhhh, as the story unfolds you see him truly understanding ‘your perspective.’  And, by the time you have concluded the tale, he has taken full responsibility for YOUR inappropriate actions. 

As you wipe away the sweat from your brow, and the adrenaline-filled highs leave your body, you realize how terrible it feels.  Yet, he took the blame, so shouldn’t you be happy?  You got away with something…again.  But, when the guilt settles to the bottom of your stomach, you realize one thing…you will continually go through your life with this man putting you on a throne that you don’t deserve and don’t really want the responsibility of retaining. 

After some recognition about the situation at hand, you step down from your throne, smile and kiss him on the cheek.  In the end, it’s better to dethrone yourself than to have the responsibility of being the kind of perfection another man believes you have.  As long as you embrace the idiosyncrasies in the other person and call them out when they deserve it…realizing that those are the words that mean the most…you can build your own chairs, next to one another, that are a lot more comfortable than a throne.

Mr. Rebound – Are You Missing the Signs?

We all have male friends.  They are great guys, who we may, or may not, have dated.  But, as the circumstances came to fruition, he wasn’t your ‘Mr. Right’.  And, since both of you were on the same page, being friends just seemed like the inevitable course of action. 

Then, the typical cycle, that always transpires, with your male friend occurred.  The guy disengages with all of their female friends as they become engulfed in a new romance.  Whether this is because they have an insecure girlfriend, or they just can’t find a balance between their friends and love life, we all have to accept the phone conversations coming to a screeching halt as the friend you once had goes into hibernation.

As the dawn arises on a new day for you, the phone calls all of a sudden, again, begin with your male friend.  And, you know, that their relationship has completed its sequence of events…ending as most do.  As you effortlessly engage in conversation, you resume your friendship.  You end up meeting with your friend and your relationship now feels a bit different.  With time, you had forgotten how much you like spending time with him and why you are friends in the first place.  You talk openly about family, career, friends, relationships and the future.  He asks you ALL of the right questions, and he responds to yours with THE PERFECT answers.  In your head you think, ‘WOW, maybe Mr. Right was in front of me all along.  Maybe it was all about the right timing…and this is it!’

Since this person has been a great friend of yours for years, you already have a common denominator.  You  aren’t meeting someone new, so there is no need to play the game called ‘20 Questions’ to figure out, ‘who are you’ and ‘are you who you say you are’.  Our walls are down and we are ‘friends’.  And, we all know that we are supposed to be in a relationship with a ‘friend’…so wouldn’t this be a great match!

Oh yes, things go perfectly.  You go out to dinner, meet up for lunch, watch movies on the couch together…ohhhh, it almost seems like you’re a couple already…and it’s only been a week.  As things quickly progress, the inevitable occurs and you make sweet, passionate ‘love’ together. 

And, what happens next?  Yes…the phone calls end.

WHAT?!  I don’t get it.  What happened?  Where did things go wrong? 

We replay the entire scenario back in our heads dozens of times, we talk to our friends, family, everyone…just trying to understand what could have made him turn away so quickly. Did we not ‘satisfy’ him?  Is he back together with his ex-girlfriend?  Did he meet someone else?  These questions continuously enter our minds, almost as if we entered into an X-rated website and the pop-ups won’t end. 

So…what really happened?

Mr. Rebound reared his ugly head.  He had just gotten out of a relationship and needed someone to get over ‘Miss. I Just Dumped You.’  He was feeling lonely, he didn’t know how to get back onto the dating scene, and just needed someone to get over that first hurdle.  And, he used you as his pawn.

Everyone is the same.  After a relationship it’s hard to get back into the swing of things.  You are used to going out to dinner, talking with that special someone everyday, watching movies on the couch together, etc.  And, since he knows you as a friend, it’s easy to fill that void with you.

However, what he failed to realize was that he was going to cross that threshold with you – i.e. engage in that intimate moment. When the time came, in both senses, and woke up with you the next day, he realized that it wasn’t you he wanted.  He doesn’t really want you as his girlfriend, he merely needed to have rebound ‘lovin’.  Realistically, you can’t blame him.  Everyone needs a good rebound after getting out of a committed relationship.  No matter what, when you are intimate with someone, even if you are by yourself, your mind will continually go back to the last person you were intimately involved with.  Therefore, ‘the rebound’ is the perfect instance to hit the ground running back into the dating scene.

What happens with men and women as we get older is that meaningless one night stands are less fruitful.  We desire a more emotional connection, and when it isn’t there, even when you are intimately engaged, you are thinking about the last time you had intimacy with someone who meant more.  Since that emotional connection is desired more, friends are a great resource. 

Don’t let the last relationship you had bring you down, as you sit and contemplate what you could have done better, or what he could have done to make it work!  It isn’t going to…nor will he again (read X-factor immediately if you are even considering this).  And, we can’t blame men for having a rebound, because we should be doing it ourselves!  However, what I do recommend is for us to lay a new foundation for communication.  There is absolutely no need to ruin an entire relationship for a rebound.  So, let’s just be honest.  Call up a friend, let them know how you feel and what you need.  This way no one needs to gets their feelings hurt and has to wonder ‘what just happened.’

Recycling – It’s All About the X-Factor

At some point the inevitable crosses each of our minds.  Yep, that exact same idea we contemplate at a certain moments in all of our lives.  To call or not to call the ex? – that is the question. 

Whether we are lonely, or just want an old face around to comfort us in a moment of desperation, or maybe it’s just the sex – it happens.  The dreaded ex’s somehow resurface and ideas begin to bounce around in our heads during moments of weakness. It’s amazing how time allows people to only remember the good memories, somehow eliminating the bad to give credence to the flash of joy that could surmount if you just made that call. 

You know how there are stories about twins that were separated at birth, who can feel the pain of their twin.  I’m convinced that is the same detection ex’s have.  Somehow ex’s know exactly when you are feeling this way and decide to call us.  You are at your weakest moment, usually alone, and just need a little of the opposite sex to cheer you up.  As you look down at their name on your caller ID, once again, the instant gratification churns in your mind, knowing you could have them there to fulfill your immediate need by just answering the phone. 

It’s called recycling for a reason – it has a good connotation associated with it, right?  No new numbers are added.  It’s a person that is familiar to you.  It’s effortless.  Bring the ex around for Round 2, or in some instances, Round 76.  Whatever, no one is judging here.  But this is the point where it gets tricky.  Someone is bound to still have some form of emotional connection to the other person and thus the idea is cultivated to ‘give it another shot’. 

Back up for one minute.  Ex’s are just that, an X, for a reason.  Do not get the ‘X’ confused with the sign for crossing – maybe the DMV should have referenced the meaning of ‘X’ before putting it on a sign for ‘Railroad Xing’.  The ‘X’ in front of your last relationship should not mean, let’s cross that street again and see what’s going to happen this time.  ‘They’ve changed.  I can tell they are a different person now.’  I’m going to take a stab in the dark at this one – it’s not going to work.  Why?  Because you played that same game before.  It will be perfect for a few days, maybe weeks, and then everything begins to rear its ugly head.

Oh yes, all of a sudden each person remembers everything bad that the other person has ever done to them in the past.  And once that threshold is crossed, oh yes, the x-factor is put into play.  Think about the worst fight you and your ex ever got into.  Then, multiply that fight by 10 and you get the first fight of the new relationship. 

It’s the same thing as an addict.  Prior to any recovery, if they were increasing their tolerance of their chosen substance at 2X every month, even in recovery their body will still produce the same rate of tolerance to that substance.  Therefore, if they relapse, they will be able to abuse at the newly multiplied rate.  I truly believe that same equation can be applied to a relationship. If you and your ex were fighting at a level of 5, by the time you get back together, the level of your first fight is going to be at 7.  It’s a truly vicious cycle.

I want everyone to do me a favor when they breakup with someone.  At the moment you breakup, write down the top 10 arguments or things that drove you crazy.  Keep that special little piece paper in a safe place because you will need it down the road. Then, the next time you have this marvelous idea crossing your mind about giving your ex a call, or answering your ex’s phone call, take out that piece of paper and read it.  My guess is, by the time you get halfway through that sheet, recycling of the ex is going to seem like a pretty appalling choice to make.  Most likely there won’t even be a decision to be made – just plain ignore and forget about recycling – trash it.

P.S.  If you are having difficulty taking out the trash with your past ex’s, do the same thing.  Just take a trip down memory lane and revisit that relationship in its entirety during an evening (recommendation: have at least 1 bottle of wine at your fingertips).  Take the time to think about how it really ended, what really drove you nuts, and write it down to remember exactly why you aren’t with them.  If you need to go through your entire phone and do this with every ex, it’s a task worth investing in.