‘I Miss You’ – A Phrase Lost in Translation

It sometimes happens when you least expect it.  As you look down at your text messages, where there was once radio silence, you now see a name you had not anticipated.  You stare at the screen for a moment as the shock settles in your stomach.  It’s kind of like when you have a voicemail from someone you know is upset with you and listening to it is the last thing you want to do.  You wait days, or even weeks, until that instant when you can handle whatever is going to be said, as you swiftly erase it.

With this text message, you wait, analyzing if you really want to read it.  With time, they have gone from daily thoughts to a vague remembrance.  Yet, there is something drawing you to open it.  And, as you read it, there before you is the dreaded message – ‘I miss you.’   

As a woman, the first thing that pops into our heads is what we would mean when we sent that message…that we truly missed the person.  We want to see them and continue whatever initially began.  Maybe, with time, you realized that an issue got blown out of proportion.  Or perhaps that you were searching for greener pastures when the perfect field was in front of you all along.  Either way, when we say we miss someone, and are willing to send a message with those words, we understand the premise.

But, we are not men.  As a matter of fact, in order to translate one language to the other we need an interpreter that understands not only both languages, but the slang terminology that often gets misconstrued.  And since few of those exist, ‘I miss you’ is one of those phrases that gets lost in translation. 

So, what does it mean when a man sends a text telling you, ‘I miss you’? 

There are a few fundamental thoughts around this phrase when it is sent.  And, with that said, let’s review them.

1. The ‘I’m Lonely’ - I miss you.  This oftentimes is communicated when a man is without a woman in his life, even for a mere second.  He thinks back at those ‘good girls’ he once dated and says ‘man, I miss her’, until his head turns to the girl sitting next to him and gets distracted…again.  And, at this point, he no longer misses you.
2. The ‘I heard you were happy’ – I miss you.  A man will find out through friends that you are in a great relationship and it is getting serious.  No matter what, when a man had a relationship with a woman, there is still that caveman mentality of ‘she’s mine’.  He doesn’t want you to be happy, especially if he isn’t, nor does he want another man touching what was once was his.  Therefore, he knows by sending you this text, it will make you take a step back and contemplate your existing relationship…and create a little turmoil in your life.
3. The ‘I want to make sure I can still have you’ – I miss you.  This is the most common of all ‘I miss you’s’ and has two sub-types.
   1. If you were the one who called off the dating/relationship because it wasn’t the right fit for you, he probably waited awhile to text you.  He really thought that you were going to call and ask to see him again.  And, when that time never came, he waiting until it drove him nuts and sent you this message.  He can not believe that a woman would ever turn him away, and thus, he wants what he can not have.   
   2. Now, if the relationship faded into the horizon because he wanted to keep his wings spread wide enough to date everyone – i.e. commitment-phobic – this is another subset.  You stuck around just long enough to realize he wasn’t ready for a relationship and slowly the communication with him diminished.   After going through his phone he probably said, ‘hey, what happened with that girl?’  And, to make sure he still has you at his fingertips, he sends you the ‘I miss you’ text.  Though he probably has a plethora of women eager and ready to drop everything upon his next whim, he still wants you to be one of ‘those girls’. 

Any way that this phrase is said, this man does not really ‘miss you’ the way that you would mean it if you told him that you missed him.  And, because you are inclined to respond with your emotions, you do, typically sending a sincerely nice message back to him.  As he receives the message, he smiles and knows that you are just a phone call away from sitting in bed next to him.

Few times does a man really mean what he is writing/speaking.  So, as men continue to try to widen the communication gap between women and themselves, we will do our best to find a particularly proficient translator to help us understand what is meant by the phrases that have, to date, been lost in translation.

The Wingman – The New Male Accessory

Today, more than ever, you see men carrying around a new accessory – the Wingman. He comes in many shapes and sizes, but get one thing straight, he’s gunning for you. The Wingman wasn’t quite as prevalent in previous years, but go out to any club and they will be seen next to every woman.

OK, so what is a Wingman? The Wingman is a friend of a better looking, sometimes more successful guy. They tag around to help their friends pick up women and validate that they are who they say they are. The Wingman is usually not as attractive, not as sophisticated, and definitely not the type of guy you would date. Why is he willing to put himself in this position? Well, without his Wingman status, he won’t have the opportunity to make the same friends and be at the same places, because he doesn’t have the same connections, if he doesn’t.

So, why would the Wingman be next to every woman? Why wouldn’t the main guy be talking to the girl he was interested in? Whether this has transpired because the ‘Main Guy’, we will call him “Scott”, has lost all forms of communication except the sporadic grunt, I’m not sure. But, this new tactic is accelerating at a greater rate than ever before.

Typically both guys will come up to the woman and spark a conversation. The Wingman’s role is to ‘sell’ his friend. ‘Look at how great Scott is! He is the hottest, wealthiest, best guy you will ever meet – an all around all-star!’ Now, because you don’t feel threatened by Mr. Wingman, you may become intrigued, so you listen and begin to fall into their web. Don’t forget, word-of-mouth is much stronger than any person themselves telling you how wonderful they are, right? You think, a great guy, those are hard to come by – who knows maybe this is the last one standing.

Now here’s the catch. The Wingman is a salesman. No different than a used car salesman selling you on the features of a car you aren’t so interested in. If they excel at their role, by the end, the lemon looks more like a Mercedes. The Wingman is probably one of those really nice guys, someone you would be friends with, but NEVER date. He knows this and there is that non-verbal understanding between the two of you. You trust him, thinking that he probably was the kid that was picked on when he was younger, but has a great personality now to make up for it. The softer side of women gets us every time. We let down our walls with the Wingman because they aren’t trying to hit on us. But in reality, it is the Wingman’s role to hit on us for their friend.

We need to think of this situation like our email inbox. When we get unsolicited emails, we get ticked off. We want them to stop spamming us, delete them as quickly as possible and blacklist them from future communication. However, after having an interaction with a ‘brand’, we may choose to participate in a mailing list because we are now interested – i.e. an opt-in list – and actually read the email. Then we don’t have as much friction when the email enters our inbox and often even welcome the email itself.

This is exactly what men have figured out. Women don’t want to get spammed. We get hit on all of the time and just get annoyed – too many unsolicited inquiries. Our walls are up and we will block every guy within a 10 mile radius of us, knowing that they just want to get in our pants. Now, when Mr. Wingman talks to us, we don’t have our walls up. He isn’t spamming us, i.e. hitting on us. As we engage more freely in conversations, we actually like them and participate in a dialogue. No longer are we spammed, we have opted into communication.

The Wingman will stay by your side throughout the night as Scott flows in and out of the conversation, or even the vicinity. The Wingman is usually funny and nice, whereas Scott has little personality and needs the Wingman to carry the conversation. At the end of the night you may be inclined to give Scott your number, or follow him back to his place. This is where you have to take a step back. You haven’t even sat in the car yet, i.e. really spoken with Scott to get to know him. So, don’t take it for a test drive. You don’t even know the guy, except for what the Wingman has said about him. Whether it is the truth or not, err on the side of caution.

It’s a phenomenal tactic that men have figured out. The Wingman doesn’t want to be your friend, but is willing to put in the time and effort to help his friend out. He has one main goal – hype up his friend so much that he gets your number, or better yet, gets your panties off and into bed. But, I see it working more today than ever before. Men are becoming quite subtle with their new tactics for picking women up. I must commend them on their use of a multi-person approach – but we are catching on. A Wingman will never take the place of a real man having the ability to break down a woman’s walls in order to connect in a true conversation based on intelligence, humor and most of all – honesty.

Fishing – The New Dating Sport of Choice

Recently I became aware of BlackBerry Messenger (aka BBM).  As I quickly googled the term to figure out how the technology is used and the benefits of using this as opposed to text messaging, I became intrigued.  This tool has transformed text messaging from one-off communication, to conversations…or so I thought. 

There has always been a concern about text messaging in relationships.  It is now an easy way for men and women to veer away from putting themselves on the line.   It takes away the ‘Should I call?’ and ‘What will I say?’ questions that swim in your head prior to pushing the talk button on your phone.  (I will get into this topic with its own blog post, because it is well deserved.)

With BBM, this casual interaction has been taken to new heights.  In my recent experience, getting introduced to BBM caught me off guard.  But most importantly, it taught me a great lesson that I need to share with those who are still figuring out this new form of communication.  And, hopefully take the guessing out of a new game in the field of dating.

I was asked for my Blackberry PIN just the other week.  And, after going to the centralized source of Blackberry – crackberry.com – I found it and sent the PIN off to the prospective BBM contact.  Much to my surprise, within seconds, I received a response – an image file.  As my eyes focused in on the photo, I froze.  The image before me was sexual in nature, not full frontal, but enough to get ‘the picture’ of what he was trying to convey, and leaving little to my imagination. 

I didn’t understand it.  Had I portrayed myself as a slut?  What did he expect me to say or do in response to this unsolicited communication?

Within minutes I was having conversations with other women about their experiences with BBM.  Many of whom had pictures, similar in nature, sent to them through this channel.

I didn’t understand it.  How could men, who barely know the woman, send a sexual picture?  What did they expect in response?  Was this the new pornography ring beginning in a new channel?

Finally, after conversations with male friends, the unexpected answer appeared. The term is called ‘Fishing with the Cock’…and because I find this phrase completely repulsive and profane in nature, from here on out we will just use the term ‘Fishing’. 

So what is ‘Fishing’?  Men send out a sexual picture to numerous women ‘Fishing’ for a response.  Though some women are caught off guard and may delete this man from any form of communication thereafter, there are some who are willing to participate and send something back to them.  Even if the man gets one positive response, whether in the form of a picture or written communication, it’s been a viable strategy for him. 

Think of this in the framework of an email marketing campaign.  Marketers send out thousands of emails to their ‘target market’ each day trying to get a few ‘leads’.  There are some contacts will ‘opt-out’ of future communication, but we have found that the rates are typically low.  Many contacts will ignore the email and choose not respond.  But, there are a few who will be interested in the ‘offer’ and ‘click-through’ – potentially making a’ purchase’.  For years, email marketers have lived and died by these tactics and still present high Return on Investment (ROI). 

Today, men are using the same tactics to get the ‘sale’, i.e. get laid.  They send out a sexual picture to tens or hundreds of women who they want to have sex with, i.e. target market.  Some women may delete them from BBM and any form of communication.  Many may sit in wonderment analyzing the previous questions I mentioned, i.e. take no action.  But, a single response is all they are looking for.  And, at the rate that this is increasing, the ROI for them is well worth the few women who will ban them from future communication.  They have put forth very little time on their part, it has merely taken them a few seconds and he instantly knows which girls are easy prey and are interested in sex.

Though I do not consider myself ultra conservative, I do draw the line somewhere.  In this instance the line is when a man whom I barely know sends me, and who knows how many other women, a sexual picture in order to solicit a response.  And, it is a concern to me that women don’t realize that this is a ‘game’ and feel pressured to send a similar sexual picture in response.  Even if you like the guy who is sending the picture, I urge you to either not respond and eliminate all forms of communication, or even call him out on his ‘Fishing’ tactics.  I know there is the thought crossing your mind telling you that ‘he is different’ and that you might be ‘special’ because  he really does like you, I promise, you are not the only one.  Unless ‘special’ means that you are part of a vast number of women who he wants to have sex with, you are not special to him and he isn’t worth the headache.  Next time a man asks you for your Blackberry PIN, just think about whether you really want a sexual picture of him from the waist down.